Children, the Mass, Noise & Toys: A Practical Guide

Oh, to dream...

"Mommy Blogs" are pretty popular, in fact, Catholic "Mom Blogs" are probably some of the most popular Catholic blogs, coming in a close second to blogs written by highly opinionated priests. This blog is neither. Priest blogs and mom blogs have the market corned on not only what is "hot" Catholic blogging, but probably more importantly write about the things that bloggers who read Catholic blogs enjoy reading about. It is about supply and demand. Therefore, when a priest blogger writes about a "Mommy blog" topic you have a post that is a force majeure, which is what has happened recently at "What Does the Prayer Really Say?"

Fr. Z. posted an email about Toys, the Latin Mass, and "noisy kids." He raises a few questions about such topics, maybe even more than he realized, and his comment box, of course, went off (currently at 73). It is ironic that he talked about this issue because our #1, the little Dino-Raptor (See how I did the mommy blog # & name thingy there?) has been increasingly loud and "noisy" during Mass. She is a very active child, and is nearing... TWO. (Yes, hide.) Maybe we are bad parents, maybe it is genetics, maybe it is because we don't know how... but she wont sit and just be quiet during Mass.

Now, I don't want to rehash the arguments or questions that Fr. Z. makes, and I know this is one of the hot-button-third-rail-ish topics of Catholic blogging, so I dont want to rehash it, as is. What I do want to do is talk about the fact that there are lots of opinions on this matter and I honestly think it is a parish-by-parish sort of thing and while there are maybe a few general common sense rules to follow, I dont think you can promulgate too much law on the subject. The problem is, there are some pretty basic rules to follow, but as a parent there are a lot of lines that seem to shift and move depending on who the person is drawing them. In other words, I think each parish/pastor is going to look at this topic in their own way, and therefore the only real rule beyond common sense is the rule or guidance laidd down at the "local level."

Children at Mass:

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There is a "movement" out there that believes Children should not be at Mass. They cite Canon Law, Canon 11:

Can. 11 Merely ecclesiastical laws bind those who have been baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it, possess the efficient use of reason, and, unless the law expressly provides otherwise, have completed seven years of age.

They will then link someone like Jimmy Akin and "prove" to you that it isn't obligatory to have children attend Mass until they near age seven. There are other Canons that deal with "preparation" of Children to attend Mass at the age of reason, and "teaching them the faith" that make it necessary for them to attend Mass regularly prior to First Communion, so seven is a somewhat malleable age. Then these same folks cite the Catechism:

2181 The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.

This Catechism section becomes the voila! piece to the "Children don't (shouldn't?) be at Mass" puzzle. I don't agree with this model, and I think that there are other Canons & Catechism Paragraphs that could argue against this theory. That being said, if you have a pastor that agrees, and a parish that is in general agreement, you might find yourself looking for a new parish, or in some cases, finding a happy medium to the "Kids don't have to be at Mass." Personally, I think if pastors start the idea of excluding, or suggesting the exclusion of Children at Mass, there is a problem in the way that the Mass is being looked at. The Mass is not a gift we give, or even something we create - it is given to us and we are there to worship God. If you want to cite a Canon, use:

Can. 1247 On Sundays and other holy days of obligation, the faithful are obliged to participate in the Mass.

No age is mentioned, and therefore compared with Canon 7, it looks as if this is a pretty grey area. Properly understood, it does seem that there is no obligation for children under seven to attend Mass. This Canon though adds some force to your argument that kids should be at Mass, and rightfully so. In the end I think this needs to be a family decision. Combined with some common sense, I think you can bring children to Mass without too many "looks to the contrary". I won't make the argument a child's noise is better than a Marty Haugen song, because that would just bring this conversation to a place it doesn't need to go.
Which brings me to noise...

Noise:

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Generally, if your child is throwing a tantrum, bawling, or being extra noisy. You should relocate (temporarily) to the Narthex, Hall, etc... I won't say "God won't mind..." because I dont know what His mind is, but I will say that I don't think this is "bad" and most everyone will love you for it. A commentator over at Fr. Z's place even mentioned that  a priest once told her that not removing your child in this situation is a sin against modesty. I am not in a position to label or define sins to that level, so I will only say that I think remaining in Mass with an overly noisy or crying child is probably not the best choice you can make. But where the line blurs is at a "happy noisy" child. This is the "talkative two-year old" (my child) who isn't crying or being unruly, but also can't "be quiet." I think that you have to follow the rule that as a parent you have a "noise filter." You are used to your "noisy" child, and therefore, anything you hear is about 2-3x louder or more annoying than it actually is. The "Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear" rule works best here. As a parent, I know there is an importance to teaching your child how to be at (and participate) at Mass. To do this, they have to go... and, well, learn. So this means slowly but surely teaching them how to do that. Each child will be different, but you have to be considerate of those around you. Occupying them, I don't think is wrong, because they aren't at the age of reason and don't have to be there. But, removing them when they are noisy is important. Where you go is up to you, and how long you are gone is another, but in the end a noisy child is disruptive, and it don't really let you focus in prayer either.
So, how to occupy the child's attention...

Toys, Books, Food

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My beliefs on this subject are pretty interesting. I believed one set of rules here when I used to bring nieces and nephews to Church, but with my own children I have changed those rules. I don't think anything is OK. A few toy during the first few years is OK. I doubt I will allow it with my children, and haven't so far. But, I am not going to look down on anyone that does it. Also, if someone came to me and said, "My son Gilbert sits quietly if we let him bring his stuffed pet Lion named Aquinas" (Get it?) then who am I to say this is bad? I think there is an appropriateness of what to bring to Mass, and noise is one factor, but so are a few other things. In general, there should only be one or two toys, and nothing obviously against the teachings of the faith. The most appropriate thing would be something Catholic themed, which is hard to do but I am thinking something like a plush "Mass Kit". (I know it is expensive but tell me it isn't cool? Maybe a tad much for Mass though...) A doll is probably ok as well.

Books might be the best option, especially because of their "quiet nature." Yet, most little kids don't get a whole lot of time/entertainment value out of books. Again, books should be more of the Catholic nature but sometimes a book is a book.

As for food. I am anti-food at Mass. I know little ones sometimes need it, and that makes sense, I guess, but we never have used food at Mass. I can add the caveat that drinks or a "bottle" is OK, since my wife has nursed at Mass, but solids just seem counter-intuitive. I know that hunger is a major contributor to noise, but kids don't have to observe the fasting rule and well, a breakfast before Mass just makes more sense than bringing it to Mass. Food is messy, smelly, and distracting to a lot of people. The rule of "less is more applies", and "none is best" is probably the way to go.
Which touches on....

Location, Location, Location

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I am not a fan of "Cry Rooms". Putting that on the record. I don't have anything against them per se, I just don't think they do a lot of good overall to help situations except when a baby is actively crying. Many churches have them, so they can be utilized, and I will even use one occasionally, if Dino-baby is actively wailing.

Normally, we sit near the back and near a door. We tried the whole "up front so she could see" thing, and yeah, it just meant that it took longer to get to the Narthex or hallway. Again, I think this is a "what works for you" situation, but in general I think sitting in a place where there are other familes, and in a location where a quick exit is possible makes the most sense. If you can do the "up front so they can see" thing and it actually works... more power to you.

Conclusion

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At the end of the day, the best rule to live by is common sense. I love seeing children at Mass, even if they make my Raptor-Child look like a ... well, an angel. I think a lot of these "rules" are really situation dependent. People like to write "bright line" rules for these things, but situations are different.

Also, I think that our children soak up everything they come in contact with. As I said, my daughter is currently a Dino-child at Mass. That doesn't mean she isn't soaking up the sacred, learning how to act, and witnesses the awesome presence of "heaven on earth." I shouldn't be trying to do too much to "distract" her from all of that. Yes it is hard, and frustrating, at times. Parenting is a labor of love. Our goal as parents shouldn't be to have the quietest kids on the block, but the kids that become saints. What we should be focused on is teaching them the proper way to interact with Holy things and places. I think that toys and other "distractions" do nothing but... distract. Easier said than done, I know.

What do you think are good rules to have? Do you disagree with anything I have said? What has worked for you in the past?

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